


Hollow Ground

by Ravelen



Series: After Words [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Communication, Episode: s03e05 Stronger Than Heaven, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love, M/M, Malec, Post-Episode: s03e05 Stronger Than Heaven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 14:25:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14357343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravelen/pseuds/Ravelen
Summary: Home. They both referred to the loft that way. Alec couldn’t really be blamed for taking it literally.Magnus and Alec have more to say. Post ep for 3x05 Stronger Than Heaven.





	Hollow Ground

**Author's Note:**

> Shadowhunters timeline is a total mind fuck. I am hopelessly overtired this week and feeling very emotional. This angsty schmoopfest is the result.
> 
> Title from Foxes ‘Glorious’ – firmly on my Malec playlist.
> 
> Boring bits: Un-beta’d so please forgive mistakes. I’m British and do my best to Americanise but some Britquirks may remain. When I’m writing a post-ep I don’t read any others, so any similarity to other fics out there is coincidental.

Magnus was beginning to question his reliance on alcohol in times of stress. Even by his own standards he had sunk one too many martinis by the time Alec returned to the loft that evening. He’d been too long alone with his thoughts, dwelling on everything that had been said, on the pinch of hurt on Alexander’s dear face. 

Around glass three he’d tried to distract himself by going over his working day. But during the house call he’d barely been able to concentrate, mind helplessly replaying Alec’s, ‘Bad idea?’ on a loop. He had turned his mind instead to his other client, the mysterious warlock with her make up on point and her distracted soldier. But that brought him back to Alec again in a hopeless circle. Was ‘lovestruck soldier’ theme of the day or something? Irritated, he’d mixed drink number four and wandered out on to his balcony. The glass he had set upon the balcony ledge, his gaze upon the cars crossing the Brooklyn bridge, headlights sliding past. So many people below, ants hurrying on with their lives, snatching time with loved ones between everything that drew them away and apart. God, he was beginning to depress _himself._

At times like this Magnus was reminded why he’d chosen to spend so many years with Camille. Only an immortal would understand clinging to a version of love that came with all of her bitterness and all of his self-loathing for its one truly redeeming feature – that it was boundless, infinite. Camille found him broken by love and showed him how she lived in the moment, chasing nothing but immediate amusement and present pleasure. After they had ended he’d tried to deal with yet another heartbreak by emulating that, fooling himself that it was all he needed, playing the part of the wanton hedonist, the libertine. 

Magnus had eyed his drink. “Magnus Bane,” he'd muttered, lifting his glass in a toast to the city skyline. “High Warlock of _nothing_. At your service.” 

Alec had chosen that moment to arrive, stepping cautiously through the door and standing just inside it, as if unsure of his welcome. Magnus banished his drink to the kitchen and snapped himself sober with a nifty spell Catarina had come up with in the late twenties, inspired by Magnus’s love affair with prohibition era gin. He pushed through the balcony doors and hurried to welcome his boyfriend home. _Home_. They both referred to the loft that way. Alec couldn’t really be blamed for taking it literally.

“Hi,” Alec said, shuffling his feet and moving to clasp his hands behind his back, a movement that always pained something in Magnus.

“Hello, Alexander,” Magnus said, injecting warmth and moving close to bestow a kiss upon him, but thinking better of it at the last moment and ending up pressing it to Alec’s cheek.

Magnus pulled away, feeling slightly awkward and forced a smile. “Long day?”

Alec cut him a look and said, “The longest,” but did shrug off his jacket, which Magnus was going to take as a good sign. The fact that he was here at all was a good sign, really. 

“Drink?” Magnus asked, kicking himself as he did.

“No.”

“Food?”

“No, Magnus, I’m fine.”

Alec left his jacket over the arm of the nearest chair and moved further into the loft, hands clenching at his sides, head dropping slightly. Magnus stood near the door and watched him, breath catching in his throat and heat crawling up his neck at the thought that they’d left everything unfinished earlier that day and he needed to be the one to fix it. If he’d hoped that Alec had been placated by his attempt to close the matter, he could see now that hope was in vain. The truth was written in the hunch of Alec’s shoulders and in his stillness. His body language would belie any attempt Alec might make to evade it when questioned. 

Magnus couldn't really remember how it felt to be in your twenties. Nor how love felt, the first time it was real and deep. Alec was young and inexperienced in romantic relationships. Did he know that these ups and downs were normal, healthy even? That the ground could feel uneven beneath your feet but you could move forward together to find an even steadier footing? Did he feel rejected, so soon after they’d come back together? Magnus ached for him.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” he blurted out, waiting as Alec turned to face him. 

Magnus opened and closed his mouth twice, fiddled with a ring on his left hand, then walked across to stand before Alec, carefully leaving a foot or two of space between them. “It may seem to you that it’s easy for me to say, ‘Live in the now’ when I have all of eternity waiting for me. I understand that it’s different for you. Your time, it’s-” 

_Don’t say short_ , Magnus thought, trailing off instead, waving a hand between them.

Alec’s eyes had widened as Magnus spoke and he shook his head. “Magnus, I get it. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Magnus clenched his teeth. That wouldn’t do. “I meant what I said, Alexander. I don’t want to think about a time when you’re gone, I can’t even bring myself to contemplate it.” Magnus stopped, pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes tightly shut. What could he offer? “Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s not too soon-”

“No," Alec countered immediately. "I don’t want you to agree to me moving in because you’re feeling bad about hurting my feelings, or because you think it’ll make me feel better about all of…this. I want you to want me to move in because it’s right for you. Because the timing is right and it’s your decision. I shouldn’t have asked…I don’t-” He sighed. “I still don’t feel like I know what I’m doing here, half the time.”

Magnus smiled softly. “Alexander.” He shrugged. “Neither do I…not always. Just because I’ve loved before-”

Alec’s head dropped and Magnus swallowed, his throat tight. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Alec told him. “Don’t apologize. You’ve nothing to be sorry for. It’s not like I didn’t know there had been others. I just. Look, since we got back together. This is the one part of my life that feels like it’s going right and I just…I really need that. So maybe I got carried away? Maybe I thought, here’s one thing I’m doing right and I thought it could be even better.”

Alec’s eyes had begun to threaten tears the more he talked. Magnus shook his head, unable to do anything but pull Alec into his arms, sliding a hand to Alec’s neck to tuck him close. Alec’s breath broke hot across Magnus’s throat and his shoulders shook beneath Magnus’s hands.

“It’s okay,” Magnus soothed. “You _are_ doing everything right.”

Alec pulled away sharply. “But that’s not true, is it? I pushed the issue in the first place and when you said no I went through your stuff! I keep screwing up. I never told you about the soul sword.”

Magnus sighed and clenched a hand. “Alec, you can’t keep beating yourself up about that. I told you, it’s in the past.”

“A couple of _weeks_ in the past. God, I’m an idiot. How could I have thought you’d want to move in with me? I need my head tested. I’m…me and you’re _you_.”

Magnus frowned. “What does _that_ mean?”

Alec raised his voice. “I don’t know! It means what are we doing? You’re it for me but I’m one in a line for you? Is that it?”

Magnus felt his back straighten, his jaw clench. “Alec-”

“I’m sorry,” Alec said quickly, eyes closed. “I’m screwing it up again. I’m going to go. I don’t know what I’m doing here tonight. I can’t be here.” 

Alec started for the door and Magnus lingered, standing still for a few seconds in disbelief. Then he turned to face Alec’s retreating back and took a breath. Alec reached the door, pulled it open and Magnus pushed a hand out without really thinking, a pulse of magic slamming the door shut before Alec could step through. “That’s enough!”

Alec flinched and turned. Magnus crossed the space between them in three long strides and held a hand to Alec’s chest, pressing him to the door behind him. “Listen to me,” he entreated, “I don’t want you to go anywhere until you’ve listened to what I have to say.”

Alec stared down at him, eyes flicking between each of Magnus’s, how close they were standing. He wet his lips and nodded slowly. “Okay?”

Magnus took a calming breath. This stupid, wonderful man pinned, quivering, to his door. What was he going to do with him? If Alec frequently stunned Magnus with his delightfully artless, heartfelt words then maybe now it was his turn. 

“I _love_ you,” Magnus told him. Alec moved to respond and Magnus jabbed his fingertips hard into Alec’s chest, a silent command to _shut the hell up and listen_. “I can’t remember ever falling so fast and I once made a habit of it, so that's saying something. I told you my memory isn’t always as reliable as my magic but I know what I feel, here.” He pressed a finger to his own chest, over his heart. “What I’ve felt. What I feel now, for you. Alec, you reminded me who I am. You brought me back, you made me...knock down walls.” Magnus shook his head. “Sometimes that's scary. But it's worth it. Every _minute_ with you is worth it. Even-” He swallowed, closing his eyes briefly. “Even with the knowledge that I’ll one day lose you.”

Alec’s eyes weren’t done filling with tears. “I don’t want that for you.”

Magnus smiled softly. “I know. But it’s my cross to bear, not yours and I’ll _gladly_ bear it. I need you to hear that and I _really_ need you to believe it.”

Alec nodded, a tear slipping down his cheek. “Okay. I’ll try.” 

Magnus pushed his arms around Alec and they held each other tightly for a long moment. “That’s what I should have told you earlier,” Magnus admitted, the words muffled, pressed as they were into Alec’s – his - shirt. “Not ‘live in the now.’ Guess that’s proof I don’t always get it right either.”

Alec chuckled, sniffing back tears as they pulled apart. Magnus smiled up at him, pressing a hand to Alec’s cheek, brushing away salt water with his thumb.

Alec let out a long breath. “Magnus, I’m sorry, for looking in the box.”

“I know. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. I’m going to do better.”

“Better than you? I’m not sure I could handle it.”

Alec’s lips quirked in a smile and Magnus’s chest warmed at the sight. Alec brushed his fingers roughly under his own eyes. “I mean it.”

“Then I’ll do better too,” Magnus promised. “I know I have a tendency to throw up…emotional wards.”

Alec huffed out an amused breath. “Yeah.”

Magnus stepped impossibly closer then, pressed his body against the warmth of Alec’s and slid a hand behind his neck. “You’re staying?”

Alec nodded. “I want to.”

Something in Magnus’s chest eased at his words. He rocked up on his toes to kiss Alec, tasting the salt on his lips as he deepened it, losing himself to the skitter of heat up his spine as Alec responded, his hands sweeping around Magnus to press at his lower back. Blindly, they stumbled together in the general direction of the bedroom. 

_Eyes closed, hearts open_ , Magnus thought. Then thought he was a walking cliché. Then decided he didn’t care if love made him a fool. They’d talk more later, maybe make plans for the future that would suit them _both_ and he’d tell Alec again how much he loved him, but he was going to show him first. They had time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)
> 
> I am on tumblr [here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ravelens) come say hi!


End file.
